AuntTeeTee

Today I was in my garage looking through my mountains of books. I got to the bottom of one of the boxes and found the book I was looking for. What I hadn’t been expecting was to come upon an old diary. I thought, “wow, this might be cool to read.” I opened the book & read the inside cover. I purchased the book on March 31, 1997.  11 years ago I started recording my thoughts for the day. I flipped through the book briefly. I passed through a couple of years….saw a lot of blank times and then it would pick up again a year or so later. The longer I read it, the more upset I became. In 1997, I was starting a new diet program. I was so emotional…wanting my husband to pay attention to me again. I made excuses in 97…”I had my daughter in Nov 95′…give me a break”…things like that…in several places I mentioned trying this & That…starting over again. I flipped thru to 1998…..still trying something new…still trying to lose some weight. Still having the same problems with my husband..making jokes about my weight & stuff. I had stopped writing. Then picked it back up in 2000….only to read yet again here I was STILL trying to lose weight. I was at 183…had lost 14 lbs and was excited. Then nothing….no writing again until May 2001. I was truly saddened to see I was in the same boat…..even after all this time from 97-2001…same problems with emotional eating..still feeling unworthy and unloved. The last entry in my diary was in November 2001. I gave up. I had no will to continue with any diet. I got upset..I ate.

 So here I sit in July 2008 wondering what has changed. For the first few months here on Buddyslim, I thought I had finally figured it out. I was controlling myself, riding a wave of good habits. I fell a few times, got back on the wagon and smiled my way through. For the past few days, I have reverted to that girl from 97. She hasnt been happy. She has eaten ice cream, cookies & milk, cheese crackers, pizza rolls…anything she thought would fill the void…make her feel better. It was finding the diary today that made me stop & take a look. I haven’t felt good in days. I have been rolling with whatever comes along, but I feel like hell. I am an emotional mess. If I don’t get control of myself, I will gain back all the weight that I have lost. How much worse will that make me feel??! I don’t want that.

So now I am going to sit & read every page..every line of that book and remind myself that I dont want another birthday to go by and me feel like hell. I want to be that girl before 1997……she was happy and thin.

I hate to even think where I would be if I hadn’t found Buddyslim. I was at that place where everything seemed so impossible. All the websites I had been to wanted so much money just to help me. I kept thinking HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!!! Then I stumbled onto this site and I thought wow..its free. I joined and started looking through people’s pages and through the forums. I was amazed at all the support and the free tools available. For the first time I had the greatest feeling that I could hang in there & actually do something better for me & my life. Buddyslim has given me a new leash on life. Buddyslim is the most amazing group of people. I have never had this much support and I am eternally grateful.  I love my group, the Heartbreakers. When I start to feel discouraged, I can go to the forum and read what everyone else is going through. I don’t feel like I am all alone. I have buddies that I can message privately that help me along in my day to day struggles. But on the same token, they know they can come to me and I will be the best cheerleader and booty kicker they have ever had.

 I used to be mindless eater…just eating for no reason. But now that I am accountable to not only myself, but an entire group of people, it makes it tougher to put things into my mouth. So I would have to say Buddyslim has truly changed my life.