Revisiting the past
Today I was in my garage looking through my mountains of books. I got to the bottom of one of the boxes and found the book I was looking for. What I hadn’t been expecting was to come upon an old diary. I thought, “wow, this might be cool to read.” I opened the book & read the inside cover. I purchased the book on March 31, 1997. 11 years ago I started recording my thoughts for the day. I flipped through the book briefly. I passed through a couple of years….saw a lot of blank times and then it would pick up again a year or so later. The longer I read it, the more upset I became. In 1997, I was starting a new diet program. I was so emotional…wanting my husband to pay attention to me again. I made excuses in 97…”I had my daughter in Nov 95′…give me a break”…things like that…in several places I mentioned trying this & That…starting over again. I flipped thru to 1998…..still trying something new…still trying to lose some weight. Still having the same problems with my husband..making jokes about my weight & stuff. I had stopped writing. Then picked it back up in 2000….only to read yet again here I was STILL trying to lose weight. I was at 183…had lost 14 lbs and was excited. Then nothing….no writing again until May 2001. I was truly saddened to see I was in the same boat…..even after all this time from 97-2001…same problems with emotional eating..still feeling unworthy and unloved. The last entry in my diary was in November 2001. I gave up. I had no will to continue with any diet. I got upset..I ate.
So here I sit in July 2008 wondering what has changed. For the first few months here on Buddyslim, I thought I had finally figured it out. I was controlling myself, riding a wave of good habits. I fell a few times, got back on the wagon and smiled my way through. For the past few days, I have reverted to that girl from 97. She hasnt been happy. She has eaten ice cream, cookies & milk, cheese crackers, pizza rolls…anything she thought would fill the void…make her feel better. It was finding the diary today that made me stop & take a look. I haven’t felt good in days. I have been rolling with whatever comes along, but I feel like hell. I am an emotional mess. If I don’t get control of myself, I will gain back all the weight that I have lost. How much worse will that make me feel??! I don’t want that.
So now I am going to sit & read every page..every line of that book and remind myself that I dont want another birthday to go by and me feel like hell. I want to be that girl before 1997……she was happy and thin.
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I think it was a blessing for you to find that diary. We forget pieces of our past and here you get a chance to look at it and feel it again. To learn from it. And you know, you aren’t the only one that goes back to bad old habits. Heck, I thought I learned my lesson and in less then a year I’m trying to take off 20 pounds of regain weight. But what’s good about you finding that diary is you can take a glimps of the emotional stuff going on. Reading it can make you a stronger person. It’s like reading someone elses story and going “gosh, what was she thinkin!” lol Maybe reading it will make you a stronger person for the rest of your 30’s. Keep that diary handy so you can always look back. Highlight if you need to key points. Have a good read girl.
Wow I agree I think it was a blessing that you found that book…it will keep you on track and remind you of your past mistakes. It sounds like this time you have come farther then you ever have before…so you have turned a corner and learned something new. Hang in there you are doing this…keep the book as a reminder of how far you have come this time around.
Absolutely agree with what the ladies have said before me. Blessing all the way. You were meant to find that diary to make you step back in the past and relive those moments..I have faith that you CAN do this! You’ll get thru this and be so much happier and healthier for your efforts. You’re doing a great job and you are an awesome motivation for me! Keep the book close to you and whenever you feel hopelessly sinking back into your old habits..read a few pages. Have a great week!!